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Monday, January 06, 2020

2020 parenting, increasing in difficulty and importance

Compliment of the season everyone. I feel super excited to have each and every one of you b'cos you all made my 2019  great. Looking forward to a better 2020.
Your comments, critics and contributions will be much appreciated as it will help us to serve you better. Today we are going to be talking about "Anger Without Insult".

Believe me, it is unrealistic and unnecessary for parents to be patient all the time, and it is quite helpful  for parents to express their anger cautiously inorder not to Insult their children. Parents genuine anger is one of the strongest means available for changing behavior. 
       " Anger Without Insult" can be achieved when parents make choice of words that describes instead of the ones that attack personality. For instance, if a child's messy room bothers a parent, it will be more helpful to the parent and the child if the parent is able to express his/her genuine feelings-but not with insults and accusations. Not with;
* 'why are you such a slob'?
* 'you are just too dirty to know how to care for things'.
Though it is possible that even with words like these, the child might get the room tidy. But he'd be left with resentment towards the parents and a dirty feeling about his/herself.
        " How then can parents express these same anger feeling helpfully. With "words that describes". For instance
* "The sight of this room does not give me pleasure!' or
* 'I see something that makes me angry. Clothes, books and toys belong on the shelf!' or
* 'when i see things lying all over the floor, I get furious! It makes me feel like opening the window and throwing everything out!'"
These might sound too professional, but I bet you even ordinary parents, when given the skill are more helpful as they are able to infuse the skills with a warmth and a style that is genuinely theirs.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Destroyer Enclosed

Chances are  we live in a world whose moral decadence is on the increase and sometimes the thought of what becomes of our children out there makes us scared. Negative vices is on the increase every passing day, and as such it's obvious that our job as parents at home with our children is increasing in difficulty and importance. The big question is how do our children get in contact with these negative information which in turns forms a character.
           According to Dr Watson, president of Dallas Baptist college, in 1940 the top offenses in public schools were as follows: running in hallways, chewing gum, wearing improper clothing (which included leaving shirttail out), making noise, and not putting paper in wastebaskets.
In 1980 the top offenses in public schools were: robbery, assault, personal theft,  drug abuse, alcohol abuse, extortion, etc,. These might as a result of changes in times and conditions. But non of it is a positive change. Which is as a result of wrong input into the child's mind.
             Let's consider this illustration by Zig ziglar in one of his books. " If i were to stand on front of an audience of virtually any of human races, whether it was a sales organization, educators,a patriotic group, or athletes, and advocate drunken orgies, getting high on cocaine, pot, or any other mind bending drugs, they would look at me in stunned astonishment.  If I gave them a sales talk on incest,adultery, homosexuality, necrophilia, bestiality, and even suicide, and nudity, while generously sprinkling four letter words throughout the presentation, there isn't one group of the thousands that would sit still and listen.I'm confident the parents in the audience who knew I was going to be making the same speech to their wards at the local school the next day would move heaven and earth to get my speaking engagement cancelled.
             The sad truth is that these same parents, knowingly or unknowingly, provide their children with money to buy records or cassette recordings that openly advocate those vices earlier mentioned. Music, the lyrics and the tunes,  is major problem for families in today's world. To avoid argument, I challenge you to go to the local record shop, pick up list of the top ten records in both rock and country, get a copy of the lyrics,and read what they say. You will be astounded at what is being encouraged.
              More significantly, the words are of greater effect than if they were to be used as speech as the they are being sung into the minds of the children with beat. As a matter of fact, parents, the odds are great that your children can sing the lyrics of many of these songs. When we consider the fact that our minds works on pictures painted on them by words, then we will be mindful of what we expose our children to, and also, it will make it easier for us to understand why suicide, drug abuse, violence, promiscuity and other vices are on the increase. It's frightening because, a child's mind is conditioned to believe everything. Voltaire said ," Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
             To show us to impact of music, In 1703 Andrew Fletcher made this statement ( as paraphrased by Zig Ziglar), " You write the laws, let me write the music, and I will rule your country. In case you can't make it to the store, here are a few of the lyrics by Zig Ziglar out of the numerous. One rock group has a song about hell being the ultimate party place; you should go there because all your friends will be there. Other songs mock Christianity and,as such blaspheme God. One band has a song that encourages the listener not to listen to his parents or to any authority, just " do your own thing" at anyone's expense. Another well-known hit says you've tried whiskey, and it doesn't help, drugs, and they didn't help, you've tried sex, and that doesn't help. Why not try suicide? The effects of negative music on our children  demands that as  parents, we pay attention to what we expose our children to.
           Moreso, the importance of good music cannot be over emphasized, as it helps in combating negative and immoral input. Parents should make available good music from early childhood days. Great music can lift a person to a height of accomplishment and saves as a source of inspiration. Research shows that beautiful melodies played as background music enhance creativity and provide relaxation and considerable listening pleasure.

Wednesday, December 04, 2019

Word Builder

The bible has made us to understand that the world was framed out of nothing, but  by the word of God. This is a demonstration of the potent and the power that is in the word we speak. As we all know that we were created in the image and likeness of God, and as such our words too have the power to create. It's then advisable that we use our words to create what we want to see in children.
                Sometimes as parents and teachers,
                 we ask some questions such as these.
  • Why don't we get expected result from our children? 
  • if all we had ever done were right, 
  • We were very certained that praising our children and making them know how much we are proud of their effort and achievement would build their self confidence. But why are some well praised children still unsure of themselves?.
Before we became parents and teachers, we  were convinced that if we reason with our children, take time to explain to them why something's are done in a particular way, that they would respond accordingly. But why do we find ourselves in argument each time we try to explain to our children. We worry about where we went wrong and why some children do not respond the way we would love and expect them to. I can imagine the beautiful plans we had, to be the best parents and teachers in the world,  we even vowed to our selves never to repeat the same mistakes our parents and teachers made while trying to help us grow. The worst of it is that the very same words we said disgusting to and hated during our childhood are the same words we use on our children today. Words like; stupid,   idiot, clumsy, lazy, empty. What happened to all the warmth we had to give. Why have we drifted so far away from our original plans.
                    The question now is "what is the language we use with children that can make a        difference". It is advisable for parent and teachers to use words that describes instead of words that evaluate. We should try as much as we can to stay clear from words like; stupid, foolish, clumsy, naughty,  even sometimes words like beautiful, good, wonderful, as they get in the child's way. It is better to use words not to use words that judge the child's character or capacity. Descriptive words gives room for the child to do better. Let's look at this example by Dr. Hair Ginott, " If a child were to spill a glass of milk, I would say to him or her, 'I see the milk spilled; and then I'd hand him a sponge. In this way,I avoid the blame and put emphasis where it belongs-on what needs to b done. But in most cases, we tend put emphasis on the child rather than what needs to be fixed. For instance had she said something like " stupid, you always spill everything. You'll never learn,...believe me, the child's energy would have been mobilized for defense instead of solution-that is when you hear things like; I didn't know there was water on the floor,or it wasn't i that spilled the milk but the glass.
You might be wondering that it's not so important what we say to children in as much as we tell them how much we love and value them, that we can say almost anything since love is the most important thing. Consider this illustration by Dr. Ginott" In the opinion that words themselves aren't so important as long there is love. For instance, suppose you went for a party with your spouse and you accidentally spilled a drink. I suspect it would make a difference if your spouse said even more affectionately, "clumsy, I see you've done it again, when they hand out prize for house wrecking you'll win first prize". I guess you've preferred it if your spouse said, honey, I see drink spilled, can I help you! Here's my handkerchief".                                                                       
 It's not that, I disagree with the power of love, love is wealth. But for our love to best service our children, it has to be broken down into words that can be helpful at each moment. Even when we are angry, we can still make choices of words that won't cause emotional damage or destroy the people we truly care about.


Friday, November 15, 2019


Men are developed the same way gold is mine. Several tons of dirt must be removed to get an ounce of gold. " But you don't go into the mine looking for dirt, " you go looking for gold".  That's the exact way to develop a positive, successful child. Look for gold not dirt, the good in every child not the bad. Believe me! Whatever you look out for in a person or situation, is more of what you find. The positive qualities you look for in a child, the more of it you're going to find. " we must look at children around us and ask, what does this child need in order to grow"? Our cultural mind will not proffer  solution neither will a generic formula do. If we don't ask God for wisdom and go for knowledge,  we may find ourselves in the positions of offering things that our children don't need.
             Ernest Campbell, tells an enlightening story:
A woman went to a pet shop  and purchased a parrot to keep  her company. She took her new pet home but returned the next day to report, "   That parrot hasn't said a word yet!"
" Does it have a mirror?"  asked the storekeeper." Parrots like  to be able to see themselves in the mirror." So she bought the mirror and returned home.
        The next day she was back,  announcing that the bird still
 wasn't speaking
          " What about a ladder?" the storekeeper said. " Parrots enjoy walking up and down a ladder." So she bought a ladder and returned home.
          Sure enough, the next day she was back with the same story- still no talk.
         " Does the parrot have a swing? Birds enjoy relaxing on a swing." She bought a swing and went     home.
         The next day she returned to the store to announce the bird had died
 " I'm terribly sorry to hear that,"  said the storekeeper.
           " Did the bird ever say anything before it died?"
            " Yes," the lady replied. " It said, Don't they sell any food down there?'"
Sometimes we are like the lady in the story. We want people (children) to be the best, quite alright! We provide children with all the things some expert say they are suppose to like. However, we never go to God to inquire of what purpose he created the child or what the child really need.
         As you examine positive attitude in children, and determine what each needs, keep in mind these ideas for growth opportunities.

  1.   Expose your child to other positive children but never  compare them.
  2. Provide a secure environment where your child is free to take risk.
  3. Provide your child with a positive and experience mentor if you can't be. 
  4. Provide your child with resource she/she needs. Not what they want.
  5. Spend time and money to train your child. Note, spending time with your child can't be substituted with money.
The idea of building a positive child can be summed up in the poem below by
          Edwin Markham.
            We are blind until we see
            That in the human plan
             Nothing is worth the making
             If it does not make the man ( child).

                Why build these cities glorious
                 If man unbuilt goes
                 In vain we build the world
                 Unless the builder also grows.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

The Crucible Family

Once again it is in the family that children learn how to handle their emotions and the emotion of others. According to Daniel Goleman, in his book emotional intelligence, he said "family is our first school for emotional learning; it is where we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings;  how to think about these feelings;  and what choices we have in reacting ;  how to read and express hopes and fears". Childhood is an emotional learning curve and as parents, it is our responsibility to help our children deal with their God given emotions. Our children our are to develop emotional balance such that they can neither deny their emotions nor are burn up by them. Like any power they need to be able to harnessed, such that they respond appropriately to the emotions of others.
          So, how do we help our children deal with these volatile, varied emotions?. Love is the transformer. Remember the essence of the transformer is to regulate the flow of current, transformers take the incredible power surging through the utility lines and modify it so it matches the voltage needed for the situation. Most small businesses and residences use 110 volt  to power our appliances and gadgets. Large manufacturing plants can use thousands of volts in their industrial  machinery, but even they will have an on-site transformer that makes sure the right amount of voltage is passed along, to either the copier in the office or the big processor on the shop floor. Different situations and different end uses required differing amounts of voltage. It takes transformer to handle all those differences, to make sure the right amount of voltage is applied to any given device.
             Likewise, our children need to know how to make sure that the right type of emotion is being applied to any given situation. Too little creates apathetic, pale response to life, too much creates volcanic, caustic emotional states. So how does your child or any of us, for that matter-how to respond in just the right way to the myriad emotional cues and demands we encounter in our daily lives? Rather than try to go into every possible emotional situation potentially experienced by your child, I'd like to suggest that you instead focus on teaching your child how to channel all of them through a single emotion. After all, on any given day, your child can experience happiness, anxiousness, joy, disappointment, frustration, elation, satisfaction, relief, anger, or fear.  Frankly, that's how my day can go! It seems that God says there's one universal emotional transformer that can help your child stay emotionally balanced as he or she. Grows into adulthood. When our complex emotional lives are routed through this transformer, we have power to perform and wisdom to respond. That transformer is love.